traveling light

as i have said before, because of this brain disease i have a great deal of empathy for our seniors. i sympathize with their struggles. movement is more difficult. driving a car requires total concentration and can be exhausting. my memory is unreliable....midstream in conversation, thoughts evaporate. maybe the hardest change to accept is the loss of independence. i loved having my own apartment, my own life.....surrounded by my own stuff. my kitchen. my refrigerator. my decorating style. my need for neatness and order. my ability to spend as much time alone as i needed...and i enjoyed spending time alone. maybe because i grew up one of nine children, in a house that was seldom quiet. or maybe i just find my own company quite sufficient. my favorite hobbies are things i do alone...painting, writing, cooking, gardening, reading....and, sometimes, i like to sit in a comfy chair and just daydream. i love that.

but, like the elderly, health concerns make living completely on my own impossible. and someday i will probably need to move to an assisted living facility. or a nursing home. those are terrifying options, after a lifetime of being self-sufficient. i think the hardest obstacle is letting go of 'things'.....furniture, books, paintings...objects i have accumulated through the years that are like rock cairns, marking my way through my life. that old twin bed i bought years ago at an austin flea market for meg. the table that holds my tv....i can remember turning it upside down and my brothers and i pretended it was a boat. i was 5 years old. my beautiful cobalt blue ceramic bird bath that sits in my garden here in el paso. my garden bench. my patio furniture. my stuff.

i watched a dr. wayne dyer pbs special once and he said you have to give away your most important posessions to be truly happy. it makes sense. we are not our possessions....but it isn't easy. there are memories attached to my things and that's what makes them treasures. however, i am learning to do with less. fewer clothes. not so much clutter. and i am slowly giving away favorite objects. i don't want to end up heading to the nursing home (or dying unexpectedly) and leaving the job of sorting through my belongings to the people who love me. so today i am sifting through a stack of old magazines. yesterday i cleaned out my medicine cabinet and my closet here in el paso. i remind myself that it is only 'stuff' and i am more than what i have collected. it is frightening to part with treasures. but it is also liberating. hmnn. anyone interested in an old sled?