the future

 having this cerebellar degeneration disease makes me profoundly aware of the aging process...i can identify with what 'seniors' endure as they face old age. my driving skills are deteriorating. i no longer drive at night and i much prefer taking backroads over busy roads. i can't look easily over my left shoulder so easing into traffic can be stressful. i have little balance now and i have progressed from a cane to a rolling walker...and i get really frustrated when trying to enter a building that is not user-friendly. i avoid buffets because trying to balance food and a beverage requires more talent than i usually possess. my speech has also deteriorated and people who ask me to repeat myself are not always kind in their request...in fact, some are quite rude. while my speech is slurring and my balance is deteriorating, my ability to detect this 'disdain' some people display when interacting with the disabled (or the elderly) is as fine-tuned as it ever was. so is my ability to challenge the offender. :)

i am learning to manuever through federal and state bureaucracies...and developing the patience required to be 'on hold' for 45 minutes. i try not to get overwhelmed by the medicare paperwork and the unbelievably exorbitant medical bills. the prescription costs. the forms to be filled. i often help my elderly parents deal with medical issues and consider it practice...i contemplate senior housing, assisted living and full-care facilities. and i know that having only medicare will limit my choices, and that some facilities are scary, scary places.

but the most frustrating thing as i become older and more disabled is the sense that the best life has to offer is in the past....the future must be endured until the blessed release of death. i hear the same thing from both seniors and victims of catastrophic disease...and it breaks my heart. i agree that things do change and that change can be difficult to embrace. but i believe that as long as i am breathing, there are still possibilities for wonderful things to happen. i think you have to wake up each day filled with gratitude that you have another day to experience. i think you will have the kind of day you expect to have. expect to have a great day. :)