finding my way

the other evening my 7 year old grandson, dominic, and i were talking about God. somehow the conversation shifted to those who did not believe in God. dominic sat quietly for a moment and then he looked up at me with his beautiful moon eyes....nana, he said quietly, if they don't believe in God, what do they believe in? i smiled sadly. well, they don't really believe in anything. dominic looked confused. but don't they believe in Heaven? he asked. no, i don't think they believe in an afterlife, i replied. silence. the gears were grinding in my grandson's young mind. finally dominic looked at me and said: why would anybody choose to believe that this was all there was?  sometimes i swear that dominic has the soul of a very wise old man...

 i have wandered down various religious paths over the past 57 years. when i was 7, and making my first communion, i wanted to be a nun. my nana metcalf gave me a nun doll for christmas that year. when i was 21, i turned my back on catholicism and by the time i was 30, i no longer believed in God. at 40, i found taoism and budhism and reincarnation. but i was starving spiritually. when i was 50, sitting at a unitarian service that was a series of lectures by aetheists, i had my 'aha' moment...this was wrong. the more i was told God did not exist, the more i realized that he did exist. i was not a biblical scholar, i didn't own a bible. but i knew with certainty that God existed.

 i have had to find my way in the religious jungle. i believe in God but i am wary of religious leaders who thirst for power and money and whose interpretation of the bible supports their political and social views. i don't like being told what to think, how to vote,  who to like. but my relationship with God is strengthened by my involvement in church. so i refused to give up and tried on churches the way people try on shoes. and i found my perfect church, which happened to sit right next to the church of my youth. and my pastor is a wonderfully warm and intelligent woman who is a constant source of inspiration and guidance. i know i am blessed.

i don't know why bad things happen. why i have this brain disease. why my friend has cancer. why there are wars and floods and devastation, suffering and pain. but i don't feel that i am 'alone' and i don't believe that bad things happen because i am not praying hard enough. i am not angry at God. i focus on what is good in my life, i give thanks for my joys....like my grandson. and his wisdom.