i try to remain positive but, since returning home from rehab, i have been overwhelmed by the darkest of thoughts. anxiety has kept me awake at 3 a.m. and my stomach has been in distress to the point that omneprazole isn't helping. is this the new normal?
in the hospital, pre-surgery, i was diagnosed as 'a. fib,' assigned a cardiologist and transferred to the cardiac wing. my irregular heartbeat didn't concern me until this past week-end...when i couldn't help but dwell in that scary land of potential heart attacks and strokes. i also visited that valley of cerebellar degeneration, with the balance loss and the breathing issues. the steady sounds of my oxygen concentrator were not soothing, they simply added to the anxiety. oh, and the spasms of my new right hip added to my woes. i also agonized about needing a pedicure and the horrors of my gray roots but let's not even go there.
last night, i read a buddhist quote about anxiety that helped soothe. pbs had a special about restoring ancient tibetan buddhist temples that somehow seemed to be directed at me. i read a bit about mindful meditation in bed but i was still restless. so i wandered out into the kitchen with my trusty walker and made a mug of green tea, sweetened with honey...the way my father drank his. i thought about my dad, who died at 90 in april. who was often found watching tv or reading a book or working a puzzle, armed with a mug of green tea and a handful of pretzels, in the wee hours. in his chair in the small room off dee's kitchen. i began to cry. how i missed my dad.
i drank my tea, nibbled on some baked corn chips, and found a pencil. i attacked the puzzles in the sunday paper. i forgot about the defective heart, the degenerative brain, the deteriorating breathing. i went to bed, finally, and i slept soundly. peacefully. gratefully.
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