dream a little dream....

i spent last night at the el paso sleep center wearing a c-pap face mask. the mask forces me to breathe when i stop breathing, something that apparently occurs while i am sleeping. trust me, the mask did not feel comfortable and my anxiety was at 'prozac' level but i resisted the urge to bang on the wall and tell the technician that i give up.  this morning, she admitted that she does have 'patients' who freak out and leave. i am not surprised. c-pap masks are difficult to adapt to.

i have always been a night owl.  it worked well when i was a bartender but for most of my career, i had to rise early.  i hated those nights when i couldn't fall asleep.  i finally gave up caffeine, which has helped. i still have nights, however,  when sleep eludes me. i read or i write or i surf the net until i fall into bed, exhausted.

 maybe ten years ago, i began to experience moments of extreme lightheadedness upon rising from a nap. i didn't think sleep apnea because in my mid forties, i'd had a tonsilectomy and apnea surgery to correct my loud snoring....they removed my uvula from the back of my throat. i connected the lightheadedness to my ataxia, which had been diagnosed that summer.  when i retired in 2003, the 'attacks' became more frequent. if i tried to get up in the middle of the night, i would experience terrible dizziness. the 'bend over and hover between consciousness and passing out' dizziness.  the scary dizziness. i stopped scheduling morning appointments because it took so much effort to get anywhere in the morning.  my affliction stumped the neurologists. last year, a pulmonary doctor finally suggested apnea. hmnn. i am lightheaded because i am not getting enough oxygen to my brain. and maybe i suffer from insomnia because i am reluctant to fall asleep. and those dark circles under my eyes might not be sinus related. and maybe my balance is worse at times because i am exhausted.  i have begun to connect the dots.

 i suspect the ataxia has something to do with this apnea. i think my brain misfires when i sleep and forgets to ensure i am breathing. i wake up feeling faint because, by not breathing,  i come very close to passing out. anyway, that's my theory. and i thought about it while i practiced breathing through that mask. sure, the mask  looks and feels really strange. but apnea puts an incredible stress on the body, especially on the heart and the brain and can be fatal. so i can continue to play russian roulette with my body or i can use a c-pap. i can be mildly inconvenienced now or majorly inconvenienced by a fatal heart attack later. i pick out my c-pap system on tuesday.