last night i couldn't sleep. it was 3 am and there i was on facebook, randomly looking at photos posted on my 'friends' pages. no, i wasn't stalking anybody. anyway, i found myself staring at somebody i used to know...the mother of one of my daughter's high school friends. i'll refer to her as 'x'...just in case she happens upon this blog.
i knew 'x' socially. she was a successful woman: bright, gainfully employed, happily married with adoring daughters. she was attractive. And she had expensive taste...nice clothes, nice car, nice house. i never ran into her at wal-mart. when our daughters left for college, we lost touch. there were rumors about a divorce but i was too busy living my own life to follow hers. Until last night.
she had remarried and had a new last name. her hair had a new cut and a new color. and she'd obviously had plastic surgery. she looked like a completely different person. if she hadn't listed her daughters, i wouldn't have known her. not that she looked bad. joan rivers doesn't look bad. but her 'ageless', generically attractive face stunned me. like her clothes and purses, her surgery was 'high end.' but along with the wrinkles and crow's feet, she had erased everything that made her 'x.' her 'essence' was gone. i was stunned.
growing up, i never liked the way i looked. i wasn't pretty. i didn't have stunning hair or pouty lips. i didn't even have acceptable feet...mine resembled bear paws, they were so wide. i wanted to be cute but i wasn't. so i concentrated on being creative and witty. and i survived my youth relatively unscathed. at 57, if i could afford a bit of botox, i'd consider it. the wrinkles on my forehead are deep. the circles below my eyes are dark. but after a lifetime of wishing i looked like somebody else, i have finally made peace with who i am. while i wouldn't mind softening the ravages of time, i don't want to completely reinvent the way i look. to paraphrase popeye: i yam who i yam. :)
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