life and death issues

the other morning, i was lying in bed when, suddenly, everything froze. it felt like i was having a hardwiring 'hiccup.' i have experienced the occasional dizzy spell that we finally attributed to old sleep apnea issues and i now sleep with an oxygen machine. for some reason, i stop breathing and a steady flow of oxygen resolves the problem. i wasn't using the oxygen the other morning so maybe that was the culprit. all i know is i felt perilously close to passing out and i could not move...i couldn't raise my head, i couldn't call out for help....and while it only lasted a few seconds, it felt much longer. and it rattled me. an 'internal' earthquake of sorts.

of course i thought about death after that. i once witnessed a man having a heart attack as he stood in a check out line at a sam's club in northern new mexico. he dropped to the concrete floor and,  as somebody administered cpr and somebody else dialed 911,  life continued around him. people chatted with cashiers, management was paged over the intercom and the cart guy gathered carts . i was stunned. when somebody is struggling for life, the world should stop and hold it's breath...but it doesn't. i think it was mark twain who once said "i can sum up everything i've learned about life in three words: it goes on."

there is comfort in that. but there is also comfort in the thought that we affect our world in such a way that, when we are gone, we are remembered. and missed. i like to imagine dominic sharing the painting i gave him with his own grandchildren someday. or andrew's family baking my recipe for gingerbread cookies. i remember fondly riding the swan boats of boston with my nana...and eating buttered toast (it was oleo margarine at my house) with real butter. and continual games of rummy at her kitchen table. and walking along the beach with her black standard poodle, cherie.

i don't know how i'll leave this world. or when. a brain hiccup? a tumble down the stairs? in my sleep the morning after my 90th birthday? but i'm in no hurry. i am busy making memories with the people i love.