oh ye of little faith...

i have been soul searching since my father died seventeen days ago. after years of turning religious beliefs in my brain like a rock tumbler, after tossing out christianity because i had too many unanswered questions, i became a unitarian. i liked their lack of dogma. eventually, however, i no longer felt comfortable there. i made my way back to christianity because it resonated true to me. and i liked jesus. i felt comfortable with his parables and his sermon on the mount. and i liked the 'jesus christ super star' sound track.  i don't know how to love him....my personal anthem?

i do okay as a practicing christian, even though i use a rolling walker (which doesn't fit neatly in the pews) and my driving is limited, which makes the practicing part difficult. i don't get to services as frequently as i'd like.  i remember those wrinkled old women with their lace mantillas who attended mass every morning...the women i used to see congregating in front of the catholic church, growing up. they started each and every day with worship. they had ironclad faith. they hung palms above mirrors and received communion and went to confession. i would love to have that discipline, that dedication..that faith.

i have such a hard time with death. doubt creeps in and tarnishes my faith. i have been praying since my father's death two weeks ago that he send me a sign that he is okay. you don't need to tell me everything, i pleaded, because i like having free will. but a sign to reassure me would be great. the following day, my computer quit working in the midst of reading my facebook page. the screen went black.  i managed to reboot it and the internet was restored. was that you, dad?  shopping at my favorite second hand store that afternoon, i suddenly had terrible gas. loud. smelly. embarrassing. dad had serious stomach issues and his gas was legendary.  dad, this is not funny.  last saturday morning, a huge deer ran past my bedroom window,  across the front yard and down the side street. it was a buck and i swore i was imagining this until gary ran out front and confirmed the deer sighting. dad...hello?  but i eventually decided these were coincidences.  and my doubt loomed above me, heavy and oppressive.

but today, gary wanted to show me something. we stepped outside the front door and he pointed to my large cactus. my father had given me that cactus 25 years ago, when it was a small prickly plant; he'd bought it at an austin flea market we'd explored together.  eventually, i'd planted it near the front walk here in el paso. it had survived the freeze of 2010, the drought of 2011, and 25 years of neglect. it was now a huge, rambling prickly plant. and, today, for the first time ever, it sported one single, magnificent yellow blossom.

i miss my dad. i wish i was more like those old parishioners i remember, with their traditions and their rituals and their morning mass. but i have my faith and, thanks to that solitary cactus flower, i no longer have doubt.