easter sunday, coming down.....

my father died today. he was 90 years old and he awoke with chest pains and he died at the emergency room, surrounded by my mom and my two sisters, at nine a.m. the day is over, i crawled into bed with a book...but i can't sleep.  i am feeling smothered beneath this heavy, pressing sadness. i can't cry but i want to because crying might release this pressure. i listen to songs that remind me of dad on you tube. it helps.

i am grateful that my father lived a very long life. i am the middle child (there were originally 9 of us) and i suppose i was the rebellious free spirit. it took a long time for me to mature into a responsible adult. i am glad my father finally saw the debra who balances her checkbook and arrives on time. and i am glad i got to know the man beneath that gigantic parent hat, the one who loved to read and grew upside down tomatoes and played bob wills very loudly when he thought he was home alone.

i finally saw how truly dedicated to mom he was, how he transferred her in the bathroom (she is in a wheelchair) and made her cream of wheat and truly loved her. they would have been married 69 years on may 1st. every saturday night, they watched lawrence welk.  they worked on jigsaw puzzles. they both loved it when the mailman came. mom went to adult daycare three days a week and dad pushed his rolling walker through downtown bellows falls when the weather was good.

dad loved the boston bruins. he loved the library. he loved his cat, bg. he loved all the animals and he loved to sneak them table scraps. mostly, my father needed to feel useful, which was challenging when you are aging and you have parkinson's. but dad did not complain. ever.  except when he told my sister,dee, this morning that his chest hurt.

my father was the compass in my family. he kept us all pointed to true north. we will survive this loss and life will continue. the flowers will bloom and the geese will head south in november. i know this like i know the heaviness around my heart will lessen over time. but not tonight. tonight i am just a girl who misses her dad. desperately.