it isn't always a beautiful day in the neighbourhood....the downside of ataxia

i consider myself a 'half full' optimistic person most of the time. i have this annoying brain disease but i also have this remarkably wonderful life. i try very hard to write my blogs the same way i view life... life is challenging for everybody. but, as the song says, 'you've got to accentuate the positive.....' i am convinced that your attitude will determine the sort of day you will encounter. unfortunately my attitude is pretty dismal today. i can't seem to crawl out from beneath this funk.

this past week has been physically uncomfortable. today, i am feeling much better than i was last week but i seem to have slipped down a notch or two on the overall good health-o-meter. living with catastrophic illness is like that. at first, the disease is easy to adjust to. you're almost cocky with positive energy. occasional slurring? no problem. stumbling? use of a cane? piece of cake. but sometimes the rate of progression smacks you out of your comfort zone and actually frightens you. the first time i fell (hard). the first time my legs really cramped and i couldn't sleep. the first time my fingers froze and i couldn't move them. the first time i had a coughing spasm with a stuffy head. and, this past week: the first time i was so uncomfortably hot, i fainted. the first time i had an anxiety attack because i felt trapped...in my own skin. the first time i really faced the monster under my bed....that spino-cerebellar ataxia beast that is waiting patiently to kill me. i came face to face with him this past week. oh, i eventually kicked him back beneath the bed but i can no longer pretend that he isn't lurking nearby. waiting. for me.

we all have monsters. old age. cancer. heart disease. alcoholism. obesity. train wrecks. tsu namis. we all die. it's easier to enjoy the life you have when you are not pondering your ultimate demise, which, trust me, is a very sobering experience. i am lucky. i have the love of my family and my friends to pull me back when the heaviness of disease tries to suck me into it's inky depression. i am blessed with internet buddies and great medical personnel and a faith in God. just when that faith feels about to unravel, something wonderful happens. joyce meyer is coming here in april. i have always wanted to attend her conference. i certainly can use her message. her coming here is not just coincidence.

i pray that i will always remember that life, no matter how messy or unpleasant it can become, is always a blessing. that when my ataxian monster rears his ugly head, i have the desire to do battle. not because 'winning' is so important but because 'not giving in' is....